boring blog = boring life?

a friend recently told me that my blogs have become way less interesting since i started dating jared. i do not deny this. fortunately, boring blogs don't mean that i have a boring life, it just means that i have less time to write about it.

when i was single, i didn't have someone to listen to my rants in person. i didn't have someone to tell about my day every night. now that i do, it seems like it's too much effort to post it here as well. i don't feel the need to get it out anymore.

plus there's facebook.

it's been hectic lately. i fell like time is zooming by. work has been having me travel to albuquerque and salt lake city 2 times per month. we have our house on the market and are fixing up the destroyed rental. the wedding is only 6 months away and i am trying to keep the planning on schedule. and the stress of having too much weight and not enough money are really starting to show.

and as wonderful as it is to live with j, sometimes the things we do are not always in my best interest. like when i should be going to the gym, yet i am sucked into some dumb show j is watching on animal planet. or i should be cooking some healthy meal, but agree with j that we should order pizza. or i should be not spending money, yet drop $200 on a new GPS because j doesn't have one. he is able to help me justify all my bad decisions. he adds an extra layer of needed will-power to do something good.

of course, we have had several discussions lately where he has been made aware of this. but ultimately, it is not his problem - it's still my (bad) decisions. so i'm stepping up. going to the gym. cooking a healthy meal. and he has started to become very supportive, even willing to start changing some of his habits.

we'll get it figured out, and i can stop making excuses.

i was caught off guard

so things with me and j have been getting pretty serious, pretty fast.

i've always figured that when i meet the right person, i'll just know. i've dated so much and have collected enough life experience to decide pretty quickly what will work and what won't. j seems to subscribe to the same school of thought. which is why it doesn't seem weird to me (although sometimes i think it should) that after nearly a month of dating we are already talking about the future.. marriage, kids, houses, finances. and we both are on the same page with all the major issues.

of course, it's all still talked about in speculation - if's and might's and maybe's. to minimize the thoughts of "whoa, are we going too fast here?" that might creep up.

yesterday we were at home depot, looking for parts for the peephole that j has insisted he wants to put in my door (to keep me safe). we're walking down the nuts & bolts aisle hand in hand when suddenly he stops, looks at me, and says "i love you.".

i was so caught off guard that i didn't know what to do. i smiled and kissed him and squeezed his hand, but remained silent. the whole time i'm just thinking whooooa and how i have no idea how to respond. 5 years ago i would have immediately said "i love you too!", not caring whether i really meant it or not.. or maybe more importantly, not actually knowing if i meant it or not. when you're younger it's something that is a little easier to throw around.

while i'm thinking about what to say, he says it again.

"i mean it, i love you"

i gave him a huge hug and told him that i could feel the same way but that it was too soon for me to actually verbalize it. and he took it well - and said he understood and no pressure and take all the time i need.. and know that he loved me and that it wasn't a term he threw around loosely either.

i'm thrilled that i may have stumbled upon the right guy for me and i'm trying not to be too cautious or jaded or scared or skeptical. and just let it happen.

sometimes it's hard to accept the reality that things may be happening the way you always thought they would.

i've been in limbo for awhile, anticipating the next step. will i be brave enough to take it?

walkway fairy

i bundled up this morning to shovel off the 4" of snow from my walkway. and when i stepped outside, my walk had already been shoveled and sprinkled with ice melt! even the path that went around to the back yard (which i never bother doing).

i thought it was my new *boyfriend* j and got all excited because what a sweet thing to do for me, right? but when i texted him to say thank you, he said it wasn't him. i have no idea who else it could have been, but it made my day!

so um, yeah, that's right, i said boyfriend. j came over last night and made me dinner. i was supposed to go to his house, but since i hadn't been feeling well, he came over to me instead. the boy made HOMEMADE pasta and a delicious HOMEMADE sauce. he also brought over salad with croûtons and HOMEMADE ranch dressing, bread, wine, and sparkling water. and movies. and treats for the doggies. and it was DELICIOUS.

after dinner he asked me if he could call me his girlfriend because he wants to be my boyfriend. how cute is that? i told him that i would think about it - because although i am not seeing anyone else, i haven't had a "boyfriend" since si.. and so i need to get used to the idea. he said he was smitten with me.

i'm going to let him woo me for as long as i can. it's nice having someone smitten with you.

this is why dating in real life can be better

my friend j insisted on setting me up with her brother. she talked him up and he sounded great, so i agreed to meet him. we all went out this weekend and had a great time.

i really like him and the feeling is mutual. i'm glad she introduced us because if i had seen an online dating profile for him, i probably wouldn't have given him a chance based on the following:

smoker, republican, lives in the suburbs

and while the above things may become an issue down the road, i'm trying to not worry about it right now. because there are so many other things that i like about him. and it's all about give and take, right?

except for the smoking thing.. he'll need to be willing to quit for me if it gets serious.

risking the friendship

i have this very special person in my life. from the moment we met, i just had this feeling that he was the one for me. we have amazing conversation and laugh so much and we're attracted to each other and he fascinates me and i just think the world of him. although he has his flaws, i think he's just about the greatest guy ever.

we never really dated per se, but we've always enjoyed a um.. special friendship.

i have spent months assuring him that i was cool with said special friendship and that he need not worry, as i would not confuse our special friendship with love or anything of that nature. i can separate and won't be attached. i said this partly because i thought it was true at the time and partly because i knew that's what i would have to say to get what i wanted. which i am apparently good at and sometimes bites me in the ass.

when this friendship started, he was not ready for a relationship and i didn't think i was either. but now time has passed and we've both talked about how we're ready for a relationship, but the topic of having one with each other has never come up.

of course it's all i think about.

so the other night he came over and in the morning he told me he wanted something to happen but that he shouldn't. normally i would be like, ah ha, a challenge and something would definitely happen. but this time i just let it go.

and i got the feeling that he wasn't expecting me to do that. and i also got the feeling that he wanted me to ask him why we aren't dating. and i also got the feeling that he hasn't made a move because he doesn't think i want it, even though i want it more than anything.

guys are pretty literal, and i am pretty convincing. and i'm also pretty sure that he can't read my mind.

but i kept quiet even though it was a good opportunity to have a discussion. i'm known for my blunt honesty and wanting everything to be clear to all parties involved, so i'm sure it wouldn't have been a shock to him.

so after mulling it over a bit, i've decided i'm going to say something when i get the opportunity. although i don't have a particularly good track record with this kind of situation (since i am apparently a very cool, super cute girl deemed undateable for some god forsaken reason by my guy friends*), i also know that i will drive myself crazy if i don't know the truth.

worst case scenario - i am totally embarrassed and hurt for awhile, but i get over it and we remain platonic friends.

best case scenario - we end up dating and get married and have lots of adorable babies.

i think i know in my heart which way it will turn out, but since i am a glutton for punishment as well as an eternal optimist, i need to find out for sure. then the healing process can begin and i can be emotionally available for the next one that comes along.

or maybe end up happily ever after.

*I will maintain that it has to have something to do with the extra 30 pounds i'm carrying around - because that is easier than thinking that i might have some sort of personality flaw.

i blew off a date tonight

we were supposed to meet for tapas and drinks at 8 tonight. around 4 pm, i decided i didn't really feel like going out tonight and didn't think i could muster the pre-requisite First Date Enthusiasm.

i have exchanged a few emails with this guy and he seems nice enough, but i just haven't gotten excited about the pictures he sent me. and there was nothing in the emails that made me particularly intrigued. honestly, i was just giving him a chance because my friend jess told me i should maybe think about taking more chances on guys that may not fit my ideal. just give them a shot, she said, if anything, at least you'll get a free dinner.

but after suffering through my last "just give them a shot" guy on saturday, i am a little gun shy.

so i sent him a text asking for a raincheck and apologized. at first i had the best intentions to actually cash it in.. and then i decided to myspace him. you know, just to see if there were any other pictures that made me a little more excited.

when i scrolled down the profile, i realized that i had probably just saved myself from sitting through another bad date.

height: 5'4"

that would explain the line in his email "..and i really dig short girls!"

i am 5'3" and i am short for a girl. and although i have lowered my height requirement down from the standard 6', to "at least a couple inches taller than me when i'm in heels", 5'4" just doesn't cut it.

i know this is shallow, but i also know that i will not be attracted to him. especially since there wasn't really a mental connection there in the first place.

so i figure i did us both a favor. i saved him some money and i saved me some time.

and i've decided that i want to go back to my old style of dating - only go out with someone if i am excited about them, not just for the sake of going out. i would rather spend the night at home than out somewhere trying to make conversation with someone i'm not into.

besides, 24phd came over last night and we made out like teenagers - so there.

it's big, but not THAT big

so this chilly sunday night, i'm sitting in my big comfy chair catching up on my blog reading, with a bowl of hamburger helper (lasagna flavor*), watching really bad celebrity tv on VH1.

i had a better night planned, i swear. movie night. 2nd date with the boy, who shall now be named 24phd** who didn't even flinch when we ran into my ex friday night. movie night was his idea, even. and i don't think it's because he's lazy. but this afternoon i received a text from 24phd saying that his boss needs him to work on a grant that is due tomorrow and he's so sorry but he has to go to the lab and can't do movie night.

no biggie. at least i didn't have to clean the house. and we've rescheduled for tomorrow.

at any rate, there is about a foot of space between me and the edge of my big comfy chair. a foot of space that my 85 pound malamute has deluded himself into thinking he can fit into. every time i'm in the chair. i get the paw first.. and the look like "hi mom, whatcha doing? what? i'm just standing here!". then the second paw.. and the third and fourth. so he's standing in the foot of space facing the back of the chair. but he can't just lay down in that position. no, burton likes to be facing the tv, of course. so he turns, sticking his big ass right in my face and tries to lay down sideways, as in across my lap. this doesn't work so well when i also have a computer in my lap (and his ass has automatically sent a few emails before they were ready and shut down a few programs unsaved). so i push him over and he gives me an exasperated sigh and a look that says "will you please move so that i will be more comfortable?" and then kicks me trying to get his legs to fit in the space.

this has become an hourly ritual. because after about 15 minutes, he decides he needs a drink of water or has to go pee or needs to take a toy away from kitsu. then he comes back to resume the position. sometimes kitsu will feel left out and want to join the party too. she usually jumps up and sits on burtons head. i want to get a picture, but once they're in the chair, i'm pretty stuck.

it's nice in the winter though - at least the side of my legs stays warm.

and if you want to see a really cute video of a puppy that could be burton's twin, go here.

*made with almond milk because i'm trying to cut down on my dairy intake after reading "skinny bitch".
**who is of course, 24 yrs old (i like me some young ones!) AND 2 years away from a phd in a ridiculously difficult medical research field.

run in with the ex

so i'm out on a date last night at the rio, a mexican place with margs so strong that you're only allowed to order 3 of them. total.

this is a first date - someone i met online, of course, and things are going well. we're standing at the bar, and out of the corner of my eye, i see a side profile that looks VERY familiar. it took me a minute and then i realized it was my ex. yeah, the one i was accidently married to.

i didn't know if he had seen me. i hadn't seen him since last december. i had barely talked to him since last december. the last thing i wanted to do was have to make small talk with my date standing right there.

i quickly grab our coats and my purse and whisper "let's go upstairs, quickly, i'll explain in a minute". turning my back so that the ex doesn't see my face.

we get upstairs. i apologize for being about to commit the biggest faux pas one can do on a first date. "you aren't going to believe this. that guy standing next to you at the bar was my ex boyfriend. i haven't talked to him since december. we were married, technically. so i guess he's actually my ex husband. i am so embarrassed"

my date was so cool about it. score a point for him!

while we were chatting upstairs, my ex came upstairs and looked like he was looking for someone. did he see me? he HAD to have seen me. why wasn't he coming to talk to me if he'd seen me?

on my way out, we made eye contact. i acted surpried. "oh my god, i THOUGHT that was you! how have you been?!?". he introduced me to his new friends. i asked about the family. chatted for a couple minutes. gave him a hug and left.

my date was completely unfazed. we danced the rest of the night at another bar and had a wonderful time.

maybe i'll go out with this one again.

top ten turn-offs on your online profile

10. a picture of your car/truck/motorcycle
at 30, i assume that any man i date would have a car or some means of transportation. you don't need to prove it to me before I even meet you. i also do not think that a crotch rocket or harley is sexy, especially if you feel the need to show it off.

9. the word "cuddle" or any variation thereof
this is just cheesy. let's assume that the majority of the people like to cuddle when they're dating. no need to state the obvious. you will probably just attract women who like cuddling more than sex - and then you'll bitch about it.

8. claiming to be into any kind of music. (except rap or country, of course)
this just tells me that you have no taste in music and all my nerdy band rambling will be met with a blank stare and then the statement "well, i really though nicklebacks last album was fantastic!"

7. referring to women as "ladies", or even worse, "ladys" or "lucky lady"
again, CHEESY.

6. raving about a chain restaurant
if you get that excited about the olive garden, i can guarantee that we will not get along.

5. stating your height/weight/hair color/eye color even when it's already listed on the profile
being so OBVIOUS makes you look retarded.

4. proclaiming how active you are "i like to run, mountain bike, row, ski, snowboard, hike, rock climb, swim, play volleyball, and do yoga. i want to meet a girl who can keep up with me".
Do these guys have any idea how many women there are in the world who are this active? Like 10. and i can guarantee that they are too busy to be looking for dates online.

3. complaining about all the places you can't meet women
most people online are there because they are too busy or haven't had luck meeting people at the normal places. you don't need to state it.

2. posting a picture that doesn't clearly show your face
a cute face is much much more important than a nice body. one of the differences between the sexes that will probably never change.

1. wanting your lady to "be comfortable in jeans or an evening gown"
other similar cliches include "i like going out, and also staying in"; "i like listening to music and watching movies". THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. EVERYONE LIKES THESE THINGS. THEY DO NOT MAKE YOU UNIQUE.

i have enough friends

which is why i've decided that boys i've dated/hooked up with/wanted to date are no longer going to be allowed inside my circle.

i used to think that it was better to have a guy i was into as a friend than not have him in my life at all. but lately i've realized all it does is drive me crazy. i've noticed that i treat them differently. if a purely platonic guy friend cancels plans with me or can't go out because he has a date, i don't care and think nothing of it. if a non-purely platonic friend does the same thing, i get irritated, sad, and annoyed at them and myself for letting them make me feel that way. having them around reminds me that they didn't want to date me and just makes me feel bad about myself, which is not good for my normally high self esteem. i can't ever get over them because they have a constant presence. and i have to deal with seeing them with other girls, which is pure torture.

so i've decided to hell with them. if they don't want to date me, then they don't get the privilege of being part of my life. is this selfish? probably. but i know that i don't handle jealousy well, and so that should be something that i should avoid bringing into my life.

the 4 worst words in our language

"let's just be friends"

i have a lot of guy friends. there's a reason for that.
most of them have uttered the 4 words above.

it all goes the same way.
kt, we need to talk about things.
followed by a sad smile.
my heart skips a beat, i think oh crap, and i know exactly what is coming.
you are an amazing girl
i love hanging out with you
you'll find the right guy for you
i really want to keep hanging out with you
i'm just not ready for a girlfriend right now

and i smile at them and tell them i understand and sure, we can be friends. and on the inside i'm thinking.. if i am such a f'ing cool girl, then why the hell don't you want to date me? what is wrong with me? we have fun together. we're attracted to each other. i don't smother you or get jealous or go crazy. your friends like me. i'm honest and caring and supportive and a fantastic girlfriend.

while my heart is being crushed, my head is telling me that it wouldn't have worked out anyway.. you weren't into them; you were worried about his lifestyle anyway; you knew it wasn't going where you wanted..

i'm used to my heart battling my head. i'm just not used to having it lose so often.

why does every guy in colorado snore?

is it the climate?

or is that why they're single?

so i've met an aboslutely so-adorable-i-almost-can't-stand-it boy that i like a lot. this one i met during every day circumstances - not through the internet or at a bar per my usual routinue. this comes with a whole different set of rules.

i'm trying to let him make the first moves because he's younger than me and i can be a little aggressive enthusiastic sometimes. don't want to scare the poor kid. and the first few weeks are the best anyway, so why rush it? i need to just sit back and have a little patience and enjoy. which paid off last night.

i was getting a little jaded about relationships for awhile. but now i remember how great dating is when you find someone you like and they actually like you back. it reminds me why there are millions of people out there in relationships.

ding ding ding.

and for now, i think the snoring is cute.

emotional rollercoaster

dating. when it's good it's fantastic, and when it's bad it's awful.

i liked this guy. he liked me. then i wasn't sure. and he wasn't sure. and we decided to just be friends, but maybe date down the road - play it by ear. and we're friends and all is good. so why do i have a pit in my stomach when i find out (not from him) that's he's in a relationship now. i shouldn't care. why do i care? did i like him more than i thought i did? too late now.

at the same time, i have a total crush on another guy. and i think he likes me back. it's at that stage right now where we've hung out a couple of times, nothing has been defined, but something is definitely there. i have the best time when i'm with him and when i'm not with him i think about him and all i can think about is when i'm going to see him again, which drives me nuts because i can't concentrate on anything else. i hate dwelling.

and i want off before i hurl.

bad date

"so, my buddy is going to pick me up since i can't drive. yeah.. i lost my license last year because of a dui. i get it back next week, but i'm totally broke because of all the fines that will be due then. it wouldn't have been so bad except that i hit this dude and so i have to pay all this restitution.. he lived and everything. the crazy thing is that i didn't even KNOW i hit someone until the cops pulled me over about 15 minutes later.."

come on, be a man!

why can't i meet a man that can plan a date?

typical exchange i've had lately. with guys that i've only been out with once or twice.

man: so, do you want to hang out this week?

me: sure. when?

man: umm.. well when are you free?

me: i'm free friday.

man: well, that doesn't work for me - are you free wednesday?

me: um, i guess so. what do you have in mind?

man: not sure. any ideas?

me: well, we could do dinner or go to a show or something. why don't you decide and pick me up at 7.

man: well i don't know if i really want to go out.. maybe we could watch a movie at your place?*

ok. so you want to have a date with me. but you don't actually want to GO anywhere. you want to hang out at my place, which means that not only is that night like every other night i've stayed home, but this time i have to actually clean and make sure my fridge is stocked.

this is how i would prefer our exchange go:

man: are you free friday? i'd love to take you out.

me: sure, that sounds great!

man: cool, i'll pick you up at 7.

me: perfect, i'll see you then!

i feel like i'm being cheated out of the first few months of a relationship. where you're trying to impress each other still - dressing up for each other, going to cool places, doing fun things. the butterflies in your stomach when you're getting ready. the anticipation of kissing them at the end of the night. getting to KNOW them.

i meet a guy for drinks, and suddenly his toothbrush is in my bathroom and we're "hanging out" at my place every night. it's from zero to boyfriend in 2 dates. i am SO not ready for that.

you want to date me? then you've got to put in the effort.

trust me, you'll get something good in return.

*which we all know is code for, "i just want to wear sloppy clothes, not spend money, and fool around"

unlucky undies

i have a matching set of undies, which i'm ashamed to admit is the only truly matching set that i own. they're frilly. and pink. which i guess is somewhat out of character for me.

they're also, apparently, cursed.

the last few times they've been worn, especially if that night should be a SURE THING, i end up being the only one that knows they exist.

i think i'm going back to the mismatched undies - and i won't shave my legs for good measure - because all girls know THAT'S the time you get lucky.