an analogy

for me and jared, trying to have a baby is a lot like trying to sell a house.

selling a house
when you first put your house on the market, you think you're going to sell it right away.  it's for sale, you have showings, OF COURSE it will sell.
trying to conceive
when you decide to have a baby, you think you'll get pregnant right away.  you're having unprotected sex, OF COURSE you'll get pregnant.
selling a house
the first month goes by and you've had several showings each week, but no offfers.  that's ok, sometimes it takes a little while.  
trying to conceive
the first month goes by and you've had sex several times each week, but no baby.  that's ok, sometimes it takes a little while.
selling a house
three months go by and you don't have an offer.  even though you have showings and those showings are perfect.  you clean really well and stage the house perfectly. you burn scented candles.  you leave a bowl of candy out for your potential buyers.  you leave soothing classical music playing during the showing. you start to get a little worried.
trying to conceive
three months go by and you aren't pregnant.  even though you have sex when you're ovulating.   you abstain from alcohol and take prenatal vitamins and your husband wears loose boxers.  you start to get a little worried.
selling a house
five months go by and you start researching "how long is an average house on the market".  you read a lot of things that calm you and terrify you at the same time. you realize that some people sell the first week of being on the market, and for others it takes years. you keep doing what you think is right, but you become obsessed.  it's all you and your husband talk about.  
trying to conceive
five months go by and you start researching "how long does it take the average couple to get pregnant".  you read a lot of things that calm you and terrify you at the same time.  you realize that some people will get pregnant the first week of trying, and for others it takes years.  you keep doing what you think is right, but you become obsessed.  it's all you and your husband talk about.
selling a house
several more months go by and you start wondering what else you can do.  you try not to get your hopes up for each showing but are still disappointed when you don't get an offer.  you start getting irritated at well-meaning friends and family that keep telling you to "give it time, it will happen".  then, OMG, you FINALLY get an offer and you're over the moon happy and you feel like all is right in the world.  and it falls through.
trying to conceive
several more months go by and you start wondering what else you can do.  you try not to get your hopes up every month but are still disappointed when you get your period.  you start getting irritated at well-meaning friends and family that keep telling you to "give it time, it will happen".  then, OMG, you FINALLY skip a period and you're over the moon happy and you feel like all is right in the world.  and then it arrives a week late.
selling a house
more months go by and you start to get depressed.  you wonder how you'll be able to live the life you dreamed of if you never sell the house.  you are stressed about it and cannot relax, no matter how many well-intentioned people tell you to.  you are annoyed with people who had no problem selling their house.  you are especially annoyed with people who didn't even want to sell their house, yet someone offered to buy it.  you wonder if you waited too long to sell you house and it will be impossible in this market.   you go to your realtor and say "what is wrong with my house?  is it fixable?  is it unsellable?"  you buy a statue of st. joseph and plant it in your yard and say a prayer because you figure it can't hurt.
trying to conceive
more months go by and you start to get depressed.  you wonder how you'll be able to live the life you dreamed of if you never have children.  you are stressed about it and cannot relax, no matter how many well-intentioned people tell you to.  you are annoyed with people who had no problem getting pregnant.  you are especially annoyed with people who didn't even want to become pregnant, and got knocked up accidentally.  you wonder if you waited too long to try to have a baby and if it will be impossible because you are too old.  you go to your doctor and say "what is wrong with us?  is it fixable?  are we infertile?"  you buy a thermometer and chart your basal body temperature because you figure it can't hurt.
selling a house
just when you've resigned yourself to the fact that maybe you weren't meant to sell your house right now and you start to think that you can stay in that house for a little while longer,  you get a frantic call from your realtor who tells you that the most perfect first time homebuyers LOVE LOVE LOVE your house and they are heading back to the office RIGHT NOW to make an offer. you close and move out and well after the fact you think to yourself "i can't believe i was so worried.. of COURSE we would sell the house!  i can't believe we were so impatient.. these things take time."
trying to conceive
and this is where i can't continue the analogy.. because we are still not pregnant.  but this is what i really hope will finally happen to us - and when we look back on everything, we'll wish we hadn't stressed ourselves out so much because these things totally take time.  we still have 4 more months before we hit the year mark and will be considered for having fertility problems.  i'm hoping we don't make it to that point.. but if we do we'll figure it out then.  

a new me

so my dear friend seth has decided to take it upon himself to be my personal trainer. which is AWESOME. we've been meeting at the gym every morning and doing the workouts that he planned for me. i'm not too concerned that they're from men's health - i'm just glad that i have someone holding me accountable for working out!

it's nice. i like working out. especially with a friend. i've always gone to the gym, but i think that i haven't really been working out to my full potential. these work outs are pushing me and i'm hoping that i'll actually see results. i'm so sore now that i can barely get out of my chair!

i have a ton of motivation this time. not only is my brothers wedding in 6 months, but in the past few weeks i have heard from 2 friends that guys they know have told them that i would be really hot if i lost a few pounds. it was hard for me to hear, but also necessary and motivating. one of those things that i always knew but never wanted to acknowledge that other people knew as well.

so that's been consuming a lot of my time. i've also been watching a lot of movies lately since they're free from the library and i don't have cable. oh, and i've decided not to say anything to my friend. the more i think about it, the more i feel like it would be a bad idea. i think i know the answer and i don't want to risk anything. being friends is good for me right now. i have other things to concentrate on.

risking the friendship

i have this very special person in my life. from the moment we met, i just had this feeling that he was the one for me. we have amazing conversation and laugh so much and we're attracted to each other and he fascinates me and i just think the world of him. although he has his flaws, i think he's just about the greatest guy ever.

we never really dated per se, but we've always enjoyed a um.. special friendship.

i have spent months assuring him that i was cool with said special friendship and that he need not worry, as i would not confuse our special friendship with love or anything of that nature. i can separate and won't be attached. i said this partly because i thought it was true at the time and partly because i knew that's what i would have to say to get what i wanted. which i am apparently good at and sometimes bites me in the ass.

when this friendship started, he was not ready for a relationship and i didn't think i was either. but now time has passed and we've both talked about how we're ready for a relationship, but the topic of having one with each other has never come up.

of course it's all i think about.

so the other night he came over and in the morning he told me he wanted something to happen but that he shouldn't. normally i would be like, ah ha, a challenge and something would definitely happen. but this time i just let it go.

and i got the feeling that he wasn't expecting me to do that. and i also got the feeling that he wanted me to ask him why we aren't dating. and i also got the feeling that he hasn't made a move because he doesn't think i want it, even though i want it more than anything.

guys are pretty literal, and i am pretty convincing. and i'm also pretty sure that he can't read my mind.

but i kept quiet even though it was a good opportunity to have a discussion. i'm known for my blunt honesty and wanting everything to be clear to all parties involved, so i'm sure it wouldn't have been a shock to him.

so after mulling it over a bit, i've decided i'm going to say something when i get the opportunity. although i don't have a particularly good track record with this kind of situation (since i am apparently a very cool, super cute girl deemed undateable for some god forsaken reason by my guy friends*), i also know that i will drive myself crazy if i don't know the truth.

worst case scenario - i am totally embarrassed and hurt for awhile, but i get over it and we remain platonic friends.

best case scenario - we end up dating and get married and have lots of adorable babies.

i think i know in my heart which way it will turn out, but since i am a glutton for punishment as well as an eternal optimist, i need to find out for sure. then the healing process can begin and i can be emotionally available for the next one that comes along.

or maybe end up happily ever after.

*I will maintain that it has to have something to do with the extra 30 pounds i'm carrying around - because that is easier than thinking that i might have some sort of personality flaw.

today is a good day to live in australia

the outfit i have planned for tonight

the weather report for tonight

and on a slightly related note. diamond strength my ass.

i am rather smelly right now

why can't i find a self tanning lotion that doesn't make me smell like a 13 yr old boy's stale gym sock?

emotional rollercoaster

dating. when it's good it's fantastic, and when it's bad it's awful.

i liked this guy. he liked me. then i wasn't sure. and he wasn't sure. and we decided to just be friends, but maybe date down the road - play it by ear. and we're friends and all is good. so why do i have a pit in my stomach when i find out (not from him) that's he's in a relationship now. i shouldn't care. why do i care? did i like him more than i thought i did? too late now.

at the same time, i have a total crush on another guy. and i think he likes me back. it's at that stage right now where we've hung out a couple of times, nothing has been defined, but something is definitely there. i have the best time when i'm with him and when i'm not with him i think about him and all i can think about is when i'm going to see him again, which drives me nuts because i can't concentrate on anything else. i hate dwelling.

and i want off before i hurl.

unlucky undies

i have a matching set of undies, which i'm ashamed to admit is the only truly matching set that i own. they're frilly. and pink. which i guess is somewhat out of character for me.

they're also, apparently, cursed.

the last few times they've been worn, especially if that night should be a SURE THING, i end up being the only one that knows they exist.

i think i'm going back to the mismatched undies - and i won't shave my legs for good measure - because all girls know THAT'S the time you get lucky.

the boy code

contrary to the popular belief of my guy friends, i am in fact, a girl. so when they let me in on something juicy that involves someone that is not my favorite person in the world cheating on their girlfriend, they shouldn't be surprised if it accidentally comes out to said girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking.

when alcohol is involved, the girl code is so much stronger. and this girl deserved to know the truth.

i am sure i've been banned from future guy secrets, but that's ok - then i don't have to worry about keeping them.

i get more action when i dress like a boy

so i was thinking back to some of the more entertaining nights of the last few months. and they all have one thing in common. i get hit on exponentially more when i'm dressed like a boy*. example: long sleeve undershirt, tight band tshirt, cords or ripped jeans, and trendy running shoes. maybe a leather necklace thing. nothing fussy with my hair. simple, but good makeup. those are the nights i'm pretty much guaranteed some action. is it because i'm more comfortable that way? more approachable? not trying too hard? it is an awesome discovery, and gives me much more faith in guys (or at least the ones I want to associate with!).

*obviously i don't LOOK like a boy since my big ass boobs pretty much give me away.