risking the friendship

i have this very special person in my life. from the moment we met, i just had this feeling that he was the one for me. we have amazing conversation and laugh so much and we're attracted to each other and he fascinates me and i just think the world of him. although he has his flaws, i think he's just about the greatest guy ever.

we never really dated per se, but we've always enjoyed a um.. special friendship.

i have spent months assuring him that i was cool with said special friendship and that he need not worry, as i would not confuse our special friendship with love or anything of that nature. i can separate and won't be attached. i said this partly because i thought it was true at the time and partly because i knew that's what i would have to say to get what i wanted. which i am apparently good at and sometimes bites me in the ass.

when this friendship started, he was not ready for a relationship and i didn't think i was either. but now time has passed and we've both talked about how we're ready for a relationship, but the topic of having one with each other has never come up.

of course it's all i think about.

so the other night he came over and in the morning he told me he wanted something to happen but that he shouldn't. normally i would be like, ah ha, a challenge and something would definitely happen. but this time i just let it go.

and i got the feeling that he wasn't expecting me to do that. and i also got the feeling that he wanted me to ask him why we aren't dating. and i also got the feeling that he hasn't made a move because he doesn't think i want it, even though i want it more than anything.

guys are pretty literal, and i am pretty convincing. and i'm also pretty sure that he can't read my mind.

but i kept quiet even though it was a good opportunity to have a discussion. i'm known for my blunt honesty and wanting everything to be clear to all parties involved, so i'm sure it wouldn't have been a shock to him.

so after mulling it over a bit, i've decided i'm going to say something when i get the opportunity. although i don't have a particularly good track record with this kind of situation (since i am apparently a very cool, super cute girl deemed undateable for some god forsaken reason by my guy friends*), i also know that i will drive myself crazy if i don't know the truth.

worst case scenario - i am totally embarrassed and hurt for awhile, but i get over it and we remain platonic friends.

best case scenario - we end up dating and get married and have lots of adorable babies.

i think i know in my heart which way it will turn out, but since i am a glutton for punishment as well as an eternal optimist, i need to find out for sure. then the healing process can begin and i can be emotionally available for the next one that comes along.

or maybe end up happily ever after.

*I will maintain that it has to have something to do with the extra 30 pounds i'm carrying around - because that is easier than thinking that i might have some sort of personality flaw.