fashion police

i was in old navy today shopping for some cute tank tops to keep me cool at lollapalooza this weekend. they have this new style called a "trapeze" tank. on the hanger it looks really cute - and i thought it would be the perfect thing to cover up my love handles.

oh. my. god.

cover up my love handles it did.. but it also made me look 8 months pregnant and about 3 sizes bigger all over!

how ironic that the only person that can pull off a shirt like this is a person who has no need to hide any body flaws.

i have enough friends

which is why i've decided that boys i've dated/hooked up with/wanted to date are no longer going to be allowed inside my circle.

i used to think that it was better to have a guy i was into as a friend than not have him in my life at all. but lately i've realized all it does is drive me crazy. i've noticed that i treat them differently. if a purely platonic guy friend cancels plans with me or can't go out because he has a date, i don't care and think nothing of it. if a non-purely platonic friend does the same thing, i get irritated, sad, and annoyed at them and myself for letting them make me feel that way. having them around reminds me that they didn't want to date me and just makes me feel bad about myself, which is not good for my normally high self esteem. i can't ever get over them because they have a constant presence. and i have to deal with seeing them with other girls, which is pure torture.

so i've decided to hell with them. if they don't want to date me, then they don't get the privilege of being part of my life. is this selfish? probably. but i know that i don't handle jealousy well, and so that should be something that i should avoid bringing into my life.

the 4 worst words in our language

"let's just be friends"

i have a lot of guy friends. there's a reason for that.
most of them have uttered the 4 words above.

it all goes the same way.
kt, we need to talk about things.
followed by a sad smile.
my heart skips a beat, i think oh crap, and i know exactly what is coming.
you are an amazing girl
i love hanging out with you
you'll find the right guy for you
i really want to keep hanging out with you
i'm just not ready for a girlfriend right now

and i smile at them and tell them i understand and sure, we can be friends. and on the inside i'm thinking.. if i am such a f'ing cool girl, then why the hell don't you want to date me? what is wrong with me? we have fun together. we're attracted to each other. i don't smother you or get jealous or go crazy. your friends like me. i'm honest and caring and supportive and a fantastic girlfriend.

while my heart is being crushed, my head is telling me that it wouldn't have worked out anyway.. you weren't into them; you were worried about his lifestyle anyway; you knew it wasn't going where you wanted..

i'm used to my heart battling my head. i'm just not used to having it lose so often.